The Hug Crusades
by Authenti
Summary: Greed gives you nightmares. Don't eat too many Doritos. Also, never EVER ask for things you don't want, or you'll be stuck with Zorro, a camp snail and a fat pimp penguin- just take my word for it. Contains 1 OC, but don't knock it before you've tried it!
1. Engrish

First of all, I think I just inhaled a bag of Doritos. That's a metaphor my dad uses when I eat something too fast, but it really fits in this story.

Eating an entire bag of Doritos by yourself? You'd think it was hard. But no. I then managed my portion of shepherd's pie and a chocolate bar before I called it quits and went upstairs. I eat slowly, though. And I still have a good figure. Hahaha!

…Aherm. Never mind about that. My point being, I ate too much and then I fell asleep way too early and messed up my sleeping pattern.

And I dreamed.

…

I 'woke up' in, literally, Dreamland. I kid you not. And I woke up on the demon beast teleporter in Dedede's throne room.

That, my friend, did not make the best impression on Meta Knight when he found me. Dedede, however, was overjoyed. A free demon beast? At last, his contributions to Holy Nightmare Corporation had been recognised!

That was when I began staring, very creepily, at Meta Knight. This is the stare I've perfected over the years, the one I'd prepared for just such a moment, for just such a character.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you didn't plan what you'd do if you met one of your favourite characters from a TV show. Even if it could never happen, it's fun to imagine. And now I got the opportunity, I was launching my Super-Scary Fangirl Stare at Meta Knight, and damn it I was loving every moment of being here.

Then I was smacked with a hammer and I hit the wall. I slid down it slowly and sat there motionless for a few moments, dizzied.

Someone said something in Japanese. I recognised Escargon's voice (who wouldn't? ugh!) and then Dedede's… and then Meta Knight's, although it sounded more like a strangled cough.

"English, please?" I muttered out loud, still comically dizzy. I became aware that they were all staring at me, then they exchanged worried glances as if they were collectively agreeing that I'd just suggested something truly awful. "Oh. No." I swore, but I'm not going to tell you what I said. "No. I didn't just… did I?"

"I'm afraid you did," the _horribly _Spanish voice answered.

"Of all the stupid…" Escargon answered. Yes. In English. And he sounded bloody _camp. _"Why couldn't you just ask for subtitles?" He facepalmed.

"Meta Knight. For the sake of my sanity, my respect for you and your vassals. Don't speak. Don't let Blade or Sword speak. Don't even breathe too loudly."

"I'll have to speak at some point."

"Yes, but not NOW, okay?"

"It's not that bad…"

"Aw, come on, can't we just get back to the plot?" The penguin's voice isn't as bad as Meta Knight's, but I really don't know how I can stand this –

"Right. Everyone forget what just happened. Our English voices aren't that bad. Shut up, Waddle Doo, or I will strangle you." Escargon glared at the little orange thing for a minute.

There was a pause.

"Right! What sorta demon beast are you?"

Escargon looked unimpressed. "Majesty, did any demon beast so far actually speak? Apart from the… fitness training guy…" He shuddered.

I blinked. I can change the language, but I can't change the plot for very long. Hm.

"I can speak. And I'm not a demon beast. Unless… I look like one. I don't, do I?" I shoot a worried glance at Escargon. I don't want Meta Knight to talk, and Dedede won't give me a straight answer.

"Eh… Well, you sorta look different. You're not a Cappy, though, that's for sure-"  
"YESS!!" I yell, and leap up to punch the air. "Thank my lucky stars!" I take a look down at myself, and I'm thrilled to see that I haven't turned into a stubby, legless, chubby _thing _with three fingers and no way of differentiating clothing from body parts. I'm still me. Which means…

I stand up, and jump up and down with glee, giggling like a maniac. "I'm taller than everyone! Hahahaha!"

"Alright, alright, no need to rub it in, demon beast." Escargon looks annoyed.

"I'm not a demon beast. Honestly. If I was, I'd do something cool and flame everything or ice everything or zap everything or I don't know, maybe I'd shoot spikes at Dedede."

"That's _king _Dedede to you, misseh!"

"…Right. Well, first things first," I grin devilishly and leap away from the wall. "Waddle Doo! Get over here!"

The strange little captain stares at me, completely bewildered.

"D-don't drag me into this!"

I roll my eyes and run at him. He trembles and holds his spear at me like some kind of stationary jousting match, but I leap over it and when I land I crouch to pick him up and then give him a bone-crushing hug. Then I drop him. Waddle Doo bounces twice and then flees, utterly terrified.

I wheel round on my heels and give Meta Knight an ominous look. He gets the message and for a second his eyes flash white before he turns tail and runs for his life out of the huge double doors at the end of the throne room.

"No sense chasing him. If I try to hug him directly, he'll just dodge. First, I need high-speed tackling-hug practise… and then I need to catch him off guard…"

"You… you're planning an ambush just so you can hug people!?" Dedede seizes up with laughter and then falls over backwards, hysterical. "Now this, I gotta see!"

"You'll be sorry eventually," I warn him. "You'll be the only one in Pupupuland who won't get a hug."

"Ah don't want one anyway!"

"Oh no… _Oh no-_" It's no use. I've already targeted Escargon, and he's too late to get away from my iron clutches. I tackle him to the ground and hug him until he can't breathe.

"And so begins The Hug Crusades," I sneer evilly. Dedede, highly amused by my antics, holds a cardboard cutout of a black cloud above my head. Where he was hiding that, I don't want to know. "Hug Queen, AWAAAYYYY!" I pose theatrically, and dash out of the door.


	2. Blacklist

I race down the banks, heading straight for the tree on another hill that I don't really recognise but I know that it must be the place. My next victim should be there somewhere…

I don't have time to contemplate this much, since I'm clumsy by heart and I trip over my own feet to land on my chin, scraping forwards about a metre before stopping just at the feet of a rather alarmed Fumu.

"…Eheh. Hi there." I wave from my awkward face-down position in the dust.

"Are you okay?" she exclaims, immediately crouching to my aid, but I flail wildly at her and she pulls back to let me get up on my own.

"I'm fine, I'm fine – don't worry about me." Now that I'm stood up, I'm probably twice her height. At least, I feel it. Nyahaha.

Fumu stares up at me, bewildered. "Y-you… who are you?"

"The name's Amber. I'm on a mission. By any chance do you know where I might find the chef, Kawasaki? I'm not looking for him right now, but I'm planning on it. I have bigger canaries to strangle."

She manages to pick her way carefully around my awful metaphor and seems to wonder if I'd be a threat to anyone.

Given that I'm carrying no weapons and I just fell flat on my face, I wouldn't have thought she would give this any consideration at all.

"Uh… he's usually in his restaurant near that end of town –" she pointed "-and I just saw him a few minutes ago so he should still be there."

I nod and smile pleasantly. "Thank you very much. I'll remember it." A short bow, and I'm off again, still aiming for the tree. I'm laughing inside, because Fumu has no idea where she places on my hit-list of hugs. Nor does she even know my tendencies to hug people.

Tokkori might, though. I just saw him in the tree (I'm nearly at the top of that hill now) but he seemed to freak out and duck into the branches where the leaves can hide him. I bet I look pretty scary. I wonder if anyone on this planet has ever seen a human before?

"G-get away! Get _away_, whatever you are! Ya demon beast – no, don't come over here- take this!" A stick is hurled in my direction. It hits my arm, but it only stings a little and I shrug it off. "Aaagh! Kirby, inhale it!"

The pink puffball bursts out of the door of his little house thing and leaps into action…

…but Blade Knight suddenly smacks Kirby with the blunt edge of his weapon and the pink warrior is knocked off balance before he can start inhaling properly.

"She means no harm," someone says. I can't actually tell who said it. Both knights have their helmets on, as per usual, and I never really bothered to memorise which was the irritating Australian one and which was the Batmanesque one in need of a cough drop. I watch the Japanese version, mate. I'd rather listen to suitable voices babbling away in a language I don't understand than really, _really _awful English.

But this is a dream, right? I changed it once. Surely I can change it back?

"Japanese, with subtitles," I mutter under my breath, trying to make it sound like a command.

"Leave 'er alone, Tokkori."

I swear profusely. I think everyone can see my lips moving, but I'm not letting any sound get out or their ears will start to bleed.

"Tokkori, get down here!" I yell. "Hug time!" The knights either side of me do a kind of disapproving glance at one another behind my back, so I turn to them and quickly mutter, "Thanks for stopping Kirby." They nod.

"Why should I? You just scared me half to death! I ought to throw something heavier at you!"

The knight with a red-plumed helmet throws his sword expertly and it slashes through a tree branch to send Tokkori plummeting downwards. At the last moment, he remembers he has wings and manages to right himself – just as I throw myself at him and spin round as I catch him, landing neatly and hugging the life out of the canary-yellow… canary?

I cackle again, and then I throw Tokkori up into the air, where he shakes out his wings and flies _far _away.

Kirby is staring at me. I can feel his eyes on the back of my neck even though I'm facing the other way.

I very slowly turn around, my blonde hair shadowing my eyes.

Kirby takes a step backwards.

I take two steps towards him.

Kirby begins to shuffle backwards.

I take four steps towards him.

…

"POYOOO!!"

The screams of terror and discomfort echo throughout Pupupuland for at least ten seconds after I've managed to hug the pink creampuff. I finally let go and he springs like a bouncy ball away from me, fleeing after Tokkori and yelling frightened 'poyo's along the way.

The two knights are staring right at me, motionless. I can't see their faces. "Hey, at least they got theirs out of the way early."

Silence.

Then, to my surprise, they simultaneously burst out laughing, doubling up and pretty much falling over themselves in hysteria.

"Ahahahaa! You crack me up!"

"Whoever heard of a hug queen?"

"You aware you actually made Meta Knight _run_?"


	3. ARGH FRYING PAN

"Okay, so basically you're dreaming."

"Yep."

"And you don't actually exist in this world."

"Uh-huh."

"And you're actually an all-powerful magical being from another dimension."

I hesitate. What, I'm not allowed to have a little fun while I'm here? "…Uh, yeah, that's what I said, right?"

I can't tell if they believe me or not, so I grin and flee down the hill towards the village instead. I hear the clanking of their armour as they follow, and within minutes we reach the town.

"Out of my way, peasants!" I yell, shoving some kids aside (I really don't like kids) and darting through the streets with Blade and Sword hot on my tail. They keep apologising to everyone. Apparently my swift movements keep sending cappies flying.

Which I think is funny and personally wouldn't apologise for, but there you go.

"Kawasaki's restaurant is on your right," Blade yells. I grin and stampede to a halt. I'd have done one of those movie-style skidding movements, but last time I tried that I fell on some first-year students from my school. See, this is why people don't let me near roller-skates.

The paper flaps over the doorway rustle as I dash through them, greatly disturbing some cappies trying to have a quiet lunch in the dining room.

"M-Monster!!" someone yells.

"Be quiet! I'm here for hugs, not violence." I pause because there are lots of cappies staring at me. "Okay well maybe my hugs are very violent but TECHNICALLY they're not meant to hurt."

"Oh, come on." Sword prods my back.

"FINE, MY HUGS USUALLY BREAK YOUR SPINE, SHUT UP." I race into the kitchen. "HIIIIII- dchsdfkgdh" There's a sharp pain in my stomach as Kawasaki whirls around and accidentally winds me with a hot frying pan.

"Ahh! Get away! Demon beast! Somebody, help!"

If he hadn't bloody WHACKED ME with a frying pan then maybe I would have the breath in me to explain that I wasn't a monster. So instead I just motion to the frying pan. He obediently places it on a counter and takes a deep breath as if he's about to get the stuffing beat out of him. This happens a lot so I'm not surprised.

He is, however. Especially when I launch myself at him, slamming us both into the fridge, squeeze him until he can't breathe, then let go and dash out of the room past Sword and Blade. Who are cracking up on the floor by this point.

Yeah. I got the _style._


End file.
